A busy start to the week, and early on Tuesday as I was arriving at St Pancras I noticed that there was a new artwork in the station, and it seemed to be a neon sign. I didn't get a chance to pay any more attention to it than that as I dashed off for my tube train.
However, on my way home I went for a closer look and this is what it said.
It turns out that it had only just arrived, and even featured on the news later that evening, including an interview with Tracy Emin about why she'd decided that those words were appropriate.
I know who I want my time with. In fact I've known for a very long time.
To seal the deal, there was even a busker in the station playing and singing at one of the pianos:
I don't want clever conversation I never want to work that hard I just want someone that I can talk to I love you just the way you are.
A week or so ago, admitting that I was struggling a bit, Nicky and I talked about how talking about grief was much better than keeping things bottled up inside. And, of course, she's right. It's a lesson I've always struggled with, but particularly at the moment, not wanting to appear down to the rest of my family. However, there's no hiding some things.
Nicky bought me a book - 'It's OK that you're not OK' which I am getting in to. And the following piece under a heading of 'Attachment is Survival' seemed appropriate:
"Real safety is in entering each other's pain, recognising ourselves inside it. As one of my oldest teachers used to say, poignancy is kinship. It's evidence of connection. That we hurt for each other shows our relatedness. Our limbic systems, our hearts, and our bodies are made for this; we long for that connection.
That you see your own potential for grief and loss in someone else's grief? That's beautiful. Poignancy is kinship.
When emotion comes up, we can let that poignancy run through us. It hurts, but it hurts because we're related, because we're connected. It should hurt. There's nothing wrong with that. When we recognise pain and grief as a healthy response to loss, we can respond with skill and grace, rather than blame and bypass. We can respond by loving one another, no matter what happens."
I could start off with talk of a new plan as we go into a new month / quarter about getting into a new blogging habit, but that is dangerous talk, and my recent track record has not been good.
In any case, it has bee great to have a few days off. A brief moment of calm amongst some pretty busy times at work. We've been doing very little so far with the long weekend, partly to recharge those batteries, partly because the weather hasn't been great, and partly because we've been at home with the littler dog who is still recovering from her 'little operation'. Still, I think we are going to try harder and actually go out somewhere tomorrow.
Having said that, we did manage an evening out yesterday. We went with Jen and Jon to the new restaurant in Maidstone (formerly the White Rabbit, now Miller & Carter steakhouse). Food was excellent, service from Frank was middling, and a fine time was had by all. I'm sure we'll be back - can't go to a good steak restaurant and not end up taking Jake.
Jake and Izzy have been on the south coast (Bracklesham Bay) with the Crans yesterday and today - I think Izzy's longest drive so far in her Mini. The rest of the family are staying for the week, by they are on their way back now. Jake is off to a basketball game tomorrow, and they are both in school a fair bit this week for revision sessions.
At church this morning it was Nathan's last service with us before he goes to his new post in Rainham. Again his sermon seemed apt. Previously he'd spoken about 'taking up your cross' (maybe more about that another time). Today he was talking about Easter Saturday and how it represents that period of darkness after after loss. It might be tough, but better times are coming.
The flight from LHW to SIN was uneventful. I declined the supper, having had Nanny's roast beef for lunch, and a decent tea in the Heathrow lounge (although I did have the satay skewers!). Watched a film - the second Kingsman one, which was even more far-fetched than the first - read for a little while, although not for long as I realised that battery conservation was the order of the day due to bringing a duff charger lead, and then turned in.
Slept reasonably well, albeit a little fitfully, but got a decent rest, and was up in time for breakfast and dozing whilst listening to music before arrival at Changi. We were a little late in, so not much time at the airport (enough for a trip to an electronics store for a new cable, and a quick pit-stop in the lounge) before on to the next flight. Read my book until the battery gave up (no obvious sign of a charger point in or around the chair) so listened to music for the rest of the way. My nano playlist hasn't changed in years, and mostly has music that only I like listening to, but in amongst its 400 song shuffle, something came on that I don't remember ever hearing before, or even choosing for the playlist in the first place. It was a song by Jason Mraz called Details in the Fabric, and it was lovely.
It made me cry a little bit.
If that wasn't enough, again of 400 or so songs on shuffle, the next one that popped up was Michael Jackson singing You are not alone.
You are not alone I am here with you Though we're far apart You're always in my heart.
That made me cry a little bit more.
By now we were coming in to land, so I did a reasonable job of composing myself and thought that any redness of eyes was probably excusable by the length of the journey and the confusion over time zone. Getting through Jakarta airport was a simple exercise - a had a valid visa this time around - and we were collected and off into the city.
Straight to the Royal Kitchen for dinner with the PD before checking in to our regular hotel. Exchanged messages with home but didn't manage to speak as N was at the garage with the car. Slept ok until waking up at about 4am, feeling fairly hot, as I hadn't thought to set the air-con before getting in to bed. Had a very clear recollection of what I'd been dreaming about just before waking. N and I had been out shopping, in a clearly invented place, but a well to do gift shop in a well to do cathedral town. I'd found a rather nice 2018 diary, hand-made paper, lots of pictures, lots of gardening, lots or recipes, and I remember very clearly saying to N what a lovely Christmas present it would make for Mum - something to put all of her appointments in, and to look forward to the year ahead.
I didn't find the dream, or the remembering of it, all that upsetting, maybe even strangely comforting. Make of that what you will.
Anyway, back to sleep pretty much up to the alarm, and off to the office for the day.
Time for a quick catch up for the record before getting on with reporting from overseas:
Friday
Getting up straight in the office, and successfully getting away early. A houseful of teenagers getting excited about booking a villa in Spain for a week in the summer (with all sorts of complicated financial arrangements being made, including alarming wads of cash appearing). A very large Papa John's order, as always, and this time a couple of bonus pizzas ordered for sharing with Kristen and Gavin.
Saturday
Rather disappointingly clobbered by migraine for much of the day, but rallied enough for a trip to Bluey in the evening for a meal out with N, J and I. Chose Bill's for the restaurant, and we were rather disappointed with the quality. Still, at least we were grateful that we didn't have the fish pie, which arrived at the table next door as we were finishing up, and which, we all agreed, deserved the description of 'rancid'. Beat a hasty retreat and got cupcakes, which Jake and I enjoyed whilst watching MOTD. Note also that J & I did our Premier League season end predictions, which I should post on here some time after I get back.
Sunday
Still not right in the head, but helped with packing by Nicky, and ended up having a quick nap before setting off in the taxi for the airport. Not ideal preparation, but head cleared on the way, and felt a lot better by the time that I'd arrived in the lounge and had some food.
Just about to board my plane to Singapore. Terrible form on the blogging over last couple of days. Will try harder over this trip. Might even do some offline blogging from planes for later uploading ...
